Hey, Hot Drunken Ambulance Thief!

Yeah, I'm talking to you. Do you see any other other sneaky-sexy ambulance thieves around here? Hold on, slow down, I want to talk to you for a second.

Look, I heard about your whole predicament. You're probably pretty embarrassed, huh?

Don't want to talk about it?

Believe me, I understand. But I think you should know that I'm coming to you as a friend here. I only want to help you out. You wanna know why? Because I admire the hell out of you, that's why. You're a free spirit. Something pops into your head that sounds like fun and you go for it. You do it. You're not afraid to let your freak flag fly. You want to get drunk and drive an ambulance 50 miles to hunt down your ex-boyfriend? You get drunk and drive an ambulance 50 miles to hunt down your ex-boyfriend. You want to give an interview in hand cuffs? You give that fucking interview in handcuffs.

Excuse my language, but this is exciting stuff.

Now let's be honest, here, shall we? I think we all know that just because you're a free spirit doesn't mean you couldn't stand to make a little money. Am I right? We all need to make a living, don't we?

Listen. I don't want to get your hopes up, 'cause these things don't always work out the way you think they will, but I've been around the block a few times, and I think -- now I'm being completely honest with you here -- I think that we could stand to make a lot of money on this thing.

That's right. Money. And the best part is, you've already done all the heavy lifting. Look at this Youtube clip you've got. Now you might look at this and think "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed." But where you see unfathomable embarrassment, I see a mine full of diamonds. Have you ever seen what a diamond looks like when you first dig it out of the Earth? No? Well let me tell you, it doesn't look like much. It's dirty, first of all, completely covered in thick, black soot. It's also got a weird, lumpy shape. When you first see a diamond fresh out of the diamond mine, you think to yourself, "this is a diamond? I don't see what all the fuss is about."

But then you get somebody to come in who knows their way around a diamond, and that somebody will start to mold that diamond. That somebody will begin to brush the dirt off of it and clean it up. That somebody will give it the perfect shape. That somebody will polish it and set it in a beautiful golden ring. That somebody will turn that dirty lump of coal into 10 carats of happiness.

I can be that somebody for you. I can take the diamond that is this Youtube clip, polish it, massage it, then sell it to the masses by the FISTFUL!

How?

Easy.

First you make sure it becomes a viral meme. That's what they call it when everybody emails a video or a picture to each other at work. Trust me, I got that part all figured out. I send this thing to the right people -- and believe me, I know the right people -- and it's all over the internet quicker than you can pull your cell phone out of your pocket.

So now you've got the meme. You've got a little bit of buzz going. You've got that recognizable face, but what do you do then? How do you convert that cachet into cash?

What you do is, you keep the momentum going. You record, let's say, a funny rap song about the whole thing. Look, I already did a mock-up of the artwork for the digital single:

Or maybe you wanna be a singer. We could do that too. Whatever you want. Think of this thing not only like a diamond, but like a key. Like a diamond-encrusted key. Better yet, like a diamond-encrusted key to the city. Only the city is the Universe, and it's sitting on a huge mountain of cash that it's holding just for you.

I'm telling you. This thing right here is the key to a whole new you. Whatever you want to do with your career you can do.

I'm talking music. I'm talking movies. I'm talking clothing lines, fragrances. What's your drink? Vodka? You want your own brand of vodka? Instant best seller, right there.

So what do you say, kid? You want in? You ready to take this thing all the way to the top?

Great! That's fantastic news. Here's my card. Now you just come to this address on Wednesday at 10:00 am sharp. The first thing we'll need to do is take some head shots, so make sure you bring a check for $1,000 made out to Gold Standard Modeling Agency, and we'll get you all set up.

Oh, that's something everybody needs in this business. And with a case like yours, you'll make that money back within a week. Then once we really get rolling, a thousand bucks will be like pocket change to you. You'll laugh about the time you cared about a thousand bucks when you're sipping mimosas on your 100 foot yacht docked a mile off shore from your very own private island.

The name? Well, I run a modeling agency as my main business, but I'm branching out into representing actors, musicians, and what we call instant celebrities. That's what you're gonna be. An instant celebrity.

So will I see you on Wednesday?

Fantastic. Can't wait to get started.