One From the Vault

I was going through some old papers the other day when I came across what was probably my first attempt at comedy writing. I say probably because, to be honest, I don't remember writing it. If I wrote this particular story yet have no memory of it, I very well could have written something similar at an earlier date. There's no way to know for sure.

It's credited to three authors -- Funky Fry, Zelo, and Whippy -- but I suspect the attribution might be an elaborate ruse. I know that FunkyFry was my first AOL screen name, circa 7th grade, so this is definitely at least partially my work, but Zelo and Whippy just don't ring a bell. My gut instinct tells me that they were noms de plume created to throw the authorities off my scent. No doubt they would have been interested in speaking with the young man who wrote such subversive prose.

While I do think that I am most likely the sole author, there is some compelling evidence to suggest that it was in fact a collaborative piece. Mainly, the fact that this thing is old. Like I said, FunkyFry was a screen name from 7th grade, but this work clearly predates that. I'm guessing it was penned in either 5th or 6th grade, as I don't think I could write more than a few sentences in 4th grade, and in 7th grade I was thirteen, surely old enough to remember such a creation. In addition, it was printed on a dot matrix printer.

So, if it was in fact written in 5th or 6th grade, that would place it somewhere between 1993 and 1995, early enough that the novelty of the futuristic ability to PRINT YOUR OWN MEDIA! would have enticed me and a few bros to take a crack at publishing our own humor mag (length: 2 pages). Also, preteen to teenage me would have never shared creative control with anyone. What if they didn't think that Billy Madison was the apex of comedy? I wouldn't want such a person's fingerprints all over my otherwise spotless work of genius.

I know what you're thinking. Isn't having three authors listed enough to prove that three people wrote it? Normally, yes, but...

A) None of the names are real
B) As you'll see in the piece below, I clearly reveled in toying with conventions.

Now, it's a little rough around the edges, but I obviously thought this was an important document (after all, I placed it in a plastic binder sleeve), so please treat it with respect.

I have transcribed the document below, trying to preserve as much of the original typesetting, grammar, and punctuation as possible. In addition, consider the entire thing sic'd, though I must say that there is an impressive lack of spelling errors for something from the Pre-Spell Check era.

In any case, I present to you, without any further ado, the spiritual predecessor to Good Behaviors Days:

THE

MEETING

BY

FUNKY FRY

ZELO AND WHIPPY

Once upon a day there was a loud rumble in the clouds that literally brought us to our knees. It came from the big planet of BUTTOCKS. It had a colossal stench too. But who cares about that, we're here to tell you about food people. This is the story of their MEETING.

Once upon another day Yolonda Stripsearch was walking down the street with a big bag of groceries in her arms. When suddenly a thunderous shaking made her think she had to sacrifice her bag to the sidewalk god. The sidewalk god was happy and let her keep her life.

When the bag hit the ground a lasagna and pizza T.V. dinner and a can of insta-cheese fell out of the bag and into mutagent goo in the sewer that just happened to be there. Then the current pulled them each a certain different directions. And so begins our story, again.

The first food person to form was cheeseman. Suddenly, the can began to shake and a foul stench filled the air. Then he burst out of the can and yelled a mournfull yell "CHEESEMAN". So, he began a new life.

The next food person to form was the LASAGNA KID. All of a sudden the T.V. dinner started to bubble as a loud beep echoed through the sewer as the plastic wrap exploded and the LASAGNA KID emerged from the scorching sauce.

The last but not worst foodman to form was PIZZA MAN. His arms were strong and six pack was mighty. You could always tell he was near by his mighty pizza essence.

Exactly one year and twelve days later each one had a strong yearning to visit the forest of IT, except for PIZZA MAN who was burping COME TO ME!!! But he disregarded it as one of his illusions from his drinking days. Then from each side of him emerged two food people. It was CHEESEMAN and the LASAGNA KID. They lived in harmony for the rest of their days, I think.

The End

...or is it?

So there you have it, my very first post. It even foreshadowed some of the major themes of my work on this site: farts, pop culture references, alcohol, random capitalization. Maybe I was meant to do this after all.