Why Donnie Walsh Should Be Worshipped/Held Dear Like Whatever it is You Worship/Hold Dear (Organized Religion is a Scam)

Some people have been criticizing Donnie Walsh for the moves he has made as General Manager of the New York Knicks. These people have cited various reasons for their dissatisfaction, most of which I'm sure are quite logical. But I am not here to debate the minutiae of these objections. They do not concern me, for no matter what fancy ass, statistically significant, academically rigorous argument you throw my way, I will counter with one devastatingly irrefutable, multi-paragraph, questionably-punctuated rebuttal:

After taking over the most bloated payroll in the league, and arguably the worst roster, Donnie Walsh has, in a miraculously short period of time, positioned the Knicks to have a realistic shot at signing Lebron motherfucking James AND Dwayne motherfucking Wade in the SAME MOTHERFUCKING YEAR.

Lebron James and DwayneWade would arguably be better than Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen right off the bat. Obviously nobody is Michael Jordan. I know this. But Lebron James has the skill set/freakazoid, probably-enhanced-by-HGH body to dominate the game for years and years to come. Dwayne Wade is, I would argue, superior to Scottie Pippen, having won a title as the alpha dog at a very young age, and possessing equal, if not greater, natural athletic ability.

You're telling me that Lebron James and Dwayne Wade turn down the chance to be better than Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen in NEW YORK MOTHERFUCKING CITY!?

Let me repeat:

YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT LEBRON JAMES AND DWAYNE WADE TURN DOWN THE CHANCE TO BE:

BETTER THAN 

MICHAEL FUCKING JORDAN AND SCOTTIE YEAH-I-GUESS-HE-WAS-PRETTY-GOOD PIPPEN
 
IN 

MOTHER

FUCKING 

NEW 

YORK 

 CITY?

Why would either of them do this?

Who would ever do such a thing? How could anyone be so stupid? It's not possible. It's simply not possible.

Money is not an issue here. The Knicks can offer both of them MAX CONTRACTS. And I don't give a shit what Bird Rights or Petrovic Corollaries or Articles 6, Section 1,429 of the Collective Bargaining Agreement entitles them to if they resign with their current teams. While I know that Lebron James and Dwayne Wade are getting a shitload of marketing money no matter what they do next year, they are definitely getting AN EVEN BIGGER SHITLOAD of marketing money if they play in New York Motherfucking City. WAY FUCKING MORE.

ESPECIALLYIFTHEY'REBOTHONTHESAMETEAMHOLYSHITCOULDYOUIMAGINESUCHASCENARIO?

Do you understand how many silk screen Modell's brand Lebron James/Dwayne Wade T-shirts they're going to sell? A motherfucking shitload. That's how many.

Whether it be through hawking t-shirts,or street meat, or Cadillacs, or thousands of pounds of CIA-produced crack/cocaine, there is no doubt in my mind that the both of them could most definitely get enough money on the side to offset however much more they can make by resigning in CLEVELAND (and yeah I guess Miami is pretty dece, but honestly I think it's a shitty little, rinky dink piece of crap compared to New York. Wow, you have a beach, good for you. Call me when you're more than one block long).

Lebron James and Dwayne Wade know this. They have to know this. If they don't, they will. This type of raw, potent truth can only be suppressed for so long.

You mean to tell me that because Lebron James was born in Akron, Ohio, Dwayne not-from-fucking-akron-ohio Wade is going to agree to live out his days in motherfucking CLEVELAND?

HELL TO THE MOTHERFUCKING NO DWAYNE ISN'T GOING TO AGREE TO LIVE OUT HIS DAYS IN MOTHERFUCKING CLEVELAND.

You think Lebron James, he who has wanted to be the global icon to end all global icons since shooting up HGH in his mother's adorably precocious/fiercely protective womb, will balk at Wade's request to sign in New York because he loves motherfucking CLEVELAND that fucking much?

No.

Fucking.

Way.

Let us not forget -- I repeat -- let us not forget, the two have already PUBLICLY DISCUSSED their desire to play on THE SAME TEAM, AND ARE KNOWN, ENORMOUS FANS OF THE CURRENT HEAD COACH OF THE NEW YORK MOTHERFUCKING KNICKS.

I don't think you guys understand. Donnie Walsh has just pulled off the coup to end all motherfucking coups. The New York Knicks are about to begin a dynasty the likes of which this league has never seen.

No two players of such a caliber have ever before had the chance to willingly join the same team in the same season in the greatest city on Earth in the prime of their careers at the highest possible salary the league will allow. Surround them with a flaming bag of dog shit; a youtube video of a racist, redheaded 8-year-old spouting anti-homosexual propaganda; and a beat up copy of your jizzed-in, 8th grade yearbook and they're winning 3 titles easy.

Replace that Bradford-Pear-Tree-smelling yearbook with Danillo Gallinari and that's a 4th title.

Throw in whatever you can get for Eddy Curry's huge, man-breasted expiring contract next year (even if it's only the jizzed-in yearbook you unceremoniously released the year before) and you've got yourself a 5th title.

Now, I'm not sure I've given the following point enough emphasis, so I will repeat once again that they have a chance to do all of this -- chase a record number of titles, make as much money as the sport allows, become the two most famous athletes to ever walk the face of the Earth -- in New York Motherfucking City.

Despite Al Qaeda's and the Hatas' (don't even try to take that band name) desire to bring us to our decrepit, Jonathan Bender-esque knees, we are still the best motherfucking city on Earth (I'm a New Yorker, in case you can't tell). We cannot be held down. We still produce the most expensive, delicious fucking restaurants (whattup El Bulli, call me when you get back in the game); attract the best, most basketball-relevant entertainment (whattup nonstop private concerts from Jay-Z/Beyonce/We-Can-Probably-Bring-Back-Biggie-Smalls-From-The-Dead-With-The-Amount-Of-Money-These-Two-Will-Be-Making)); have the hottest fucking, blow-snorting, champagne-guzzling, I'm-sure-they're-awful-people-but-holy-shit-are-they-attractive models/wanna be models/actresses/wanna be actresses/women-(or men???)-who-will-suck-Wade-and-Lebron's-respective-taints/balls/cocks-until-they-beg-for-mercy-24-hours-a-day-365-days-a-year on EARTH.

The rest of the league is terrified. It should be terrified.

Dwayne Wade and Lebron James are coming to the New York Knicks, and they are going to take a massive, tightly-coiled, gold-coin speckled shit on the NBA for years to come.