Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Honest Question
How come every time I'm forced to remove somebody else's laundry from the dryer I'm confronted with heaps of little girls' underwear? Does fate want me to get arrested for pederasty? Is the universe trying to tell me that I should never touch somebody's laundry? Am I really supposed to wait around for hours just so I don't get caught rifling through little girls' panties? Where's the justice in this world?
Sunday, March 28, 2010
The Brief Interior Monologue of an Overachieving Former Catholic
I feel guilty for masturbating because it takes a while and I could be doing something else more productive, not because it's intrinsically wrong.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
A Brutally Honest Aspiring Artist Shares a Song He Likes via Google Reader
@a vast fortune, world renown, unanimous critical acclaim, the occasional two-woman blow job, the crushed hopes and dreams of all those who have ever doubted me, an apartment in Manhattan, a house in the country, a villa abroad, the respect of my peers, the universal acknowledgment that I have impeccable taste in all matters of cultural import, as many children as I can afford to raise, and works of stunning originality created throughout my long and prosperous life
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
An Open Letter to the Guy Who Wrote These Notes
Dear Guy Who Wrote These Notes,
Hey man, what's up? You don't know me, so this might seem a little strange, but my friend lives in your apartment building, and when I was over there the other day I saw the notes you put up. You know, these notes:
I am writing this letter because I believe you went about retrieving your stolen laptop in an inefficient, embarrassing manner, and I'd like to help you understand why this is the case. I know, I know. It sounds crazy. But please, give me a few moments of your time and allow me to elaborate. Hopefully, if you come to understand what you did wrong, you'll be able to avoid similar mistakes or a similar serious mistake in the future.
First, let's get the basics straight:
1) You once owned a laptop.
2) You no longer know where this laptop is.
3) You believe somebody else has it.
4) You believe this person will walk past the second or third floor landings of the stairwell, where you have taped these signs, at some point in the near future.
5) You do not believe this person lives on or exclusively visits the first floor.
6) You believe the person who stole your laptop will return it after reading one or two of these signs, as he (from here on out I'm assuming it's a guy, otherwise the syntax will get too warped and confusing) does not want "problems" or "a serious problem."
7) You believe that in the unlikely event that the laptop thief does not return your laptop to you, you will be well within your rights to give him "problems" or "a serious problem," as you gave him fair warning.
Did I get that right? I think I did, but please, let me know if I missed anything. I'll be glad to issue a correction or addendum to this piece if necessary.
Now that we have the facts of the case, let's address them point by point to see where you may or may not have been mistaken.
1) I believe you when you write that you did, in fact, once own a laptop. I have nothing to dispute here.
2) You clearly no longer know where this laptop is. Once again, I believe you.
3) You think that somebody else has it. This is a fairly reasonable assumption. Just the other day, you had a laptop. Now? Gone. However, you obviously do not know who took it. If you did, you would have used a more direct line of communication to reach this person, wouldn't you? You're a reasonable person, aren't you? If you did know who took your laptop, surely you could have stopped by their apartment, placed a phone call, or sent an email. But you didn't do that. You taped two anonymous, threatening notes to the wall at what seem like random intervals throughout your apartment building.
Please, don't take this as an insult to your intelligence, but is it possible you misplaced your laptop? Did you look under your bed? Sometimes I do something weird like put my remote control in the refrigerator, or my orange juice in the cabinets. Have you checked your refrigerator or your cabinets? Have you gone on any business trips lately? Perhaps you left your laptop on a bus or at the airport. Before you put up any more accusatory notes, I would recommend retracing your steps and giving your apartment a thorough once-over. At the very least, you can straighten up your place as you go. Even if you don't find the computer, there's no cure for the blues like a freshly cleaned apartment. You'll feel like you're in more control of your life.
4) Let's say you're right. Your computer was stolen. This seems like the most likely scenario. But if that's the case, why do you assume that the thief is coming back? Whenever I pull off a huge heist, I like to flee the scene of the crime and never return. It doesn't seem logical that a laptop thief would come strutting back into the building as if nothing happened. Even if he would, how would you know this was going to happen without knowing who it was? This makes no sense to me. Is there construction going on in your building? Are you assuming it's one of the workers? Did you see a Mexican and think it was a vagrant who loiters in your stairwell? That's racist, you know. That Mexican probably owns the place and looks down on you, his lowly tenant. I'm just not at all confident that the thief will ever see these notes, and then you'll have wasted all your time and energy writing them. And for what?
Even if you did know that this person was coming back, how do you know that that he will make it up to the second or third floor? Which leads to the next point...
5) You believe that this person does not live on or exclusively visit the first floor. If that were the case, you would not have placed these notes on the second and third floors exclusively. Based on how you chose to go about shaming/threatening this person, I find it difficult to believe that you know how he moves throughout the building. How do you know he will go up to the third floor without knowing who it is? Even if you're reasonably sure that this person has friends on the third floor, why not put a note on the first floor also, just to be safe? Do you know for a fact that this person uses the stairs to access the second or third floors, but not the first, fourth, fifth, or sixth floors? Does this person only use the fire escape to access your building? Is it Batman? It's Batman, isn't it. Does he smell good? I bet that rubber suit stinks something awful after he's been running around in it all day. Was Robin with him? Did he use the baterang to get in the window? Did he leave the baterang behind, or did it recoil into his belt like an automatic tape measure?
Anyway, I think you should put one large sign in the first floor hallway, if you're really serious about going this route. That way everyone who walks into or out of your apartment building sees it and knows they're in for "problems" or "a serious problem" if they do not return your laptop.
6) You believe the person who took your laptop will return it to you after reading your sign. They do not want "problems" or "a serious problem," so they will knock on your door and hand it to you. Or perhaps they'll leave it at your door, knock, and run away. Is that how it goes in your fantasy?
Or maybe you believe that some measure of vengeance will have been taken by scaring this person into believing they will have "problems" or "a serious problem" if they do not give you back your laptop/son. Are you a Mel Gibson fan? Anyway, I know it must have felt good to vent some of the anger you experienced during this situation, but once again, I must disagree with your reasoning. I believe that if the person who stole your laptop sees these signs, he will feel even more pleasure by knowing that you are reduced to advertising your helplessness for the whole building to see (except those who live on or exclusively visit the first floor). After all, thieves are, in general, not nice people. The thief in question will most likely take pleasure in your public display of misery and powerlessness. He is not afraid of you, or he would not have stolen your laptop in the first place. Your threats of giving him "problems" or "a serious problem" will most likely fall on deaf (though incredibly informed via the internet) ears. Even if you could give him "problems" or "a serious problem" your target most likely already comes from a broken home, or perhaps even has a criminal record. He may not even be able to vote! He's already got problems. In addition, he is most likely familiar with hand-to-hand combat. Which begs the question, are you physically fit? Do you own any weapons? I'm starting to wonder whether you have the ability to give the thief these "problems" or "a serious problem" that you threaten.
7) You believe you have given the thief fair warning, and that if he doesn't return your laptop, he has no right to complain once you give him "problems" or "a serious problem." I agree with you. If you ever find this guy, you should definitely give him one of those "problems" of variable severity. I wouldn't fault you for your actions.
But here's the thing, Guy Who Wrote These Notes -- you're not going to find this person, not with this approach. All you're going to do is open yourself up for public ridicule, and that's the last thing I want to see happen.
Please, take the notes down. The only "problems" or "serious problem" you are causing is for your porter, who has to clean that stuff up. He doesn't know what to do with your signs. Does he keep them up? Does he take them down? After all, he works for you, in a sense. Does he irritate one of his "bosses" by taking his signs down? No doubt his other "bosses" in the building don't want them up and would be happy to see them removed. He's probably going to wind up pissed at you for causing more work him, and might even borrow the super's keys to break into your apartment and steal your iPhone. Then what will you do? Put up more signs?
I suggest buying another computer and stoically swallowing yet another chunk of your rapidly decaying pride/dignity. It's what being a man is all about.
Hey man, what's up? You don't know me, so this might seem a little strange, but my friend lives in your apartment building, and when I was over there the other day I saw the notes you put up. You know, these notes:
I am writing this letter because I believe you went about retrieving your stolen laptop in an inefficient, embarrassing manner, and I'd like to help you understand why this is the case. I know, I know. It sounds crazy. But please, give me a few moments of your time and allow me to elaborate. Hopefully, if you come to understand what you did wrong, you'll be able to avoid similar mistakes or a similar serious mistake in the future.
First, let's get the basics straight:
1) You once owned a laptop.
2) You no longer know where this laptop is.
3) You believe somebody else has it.
4) You believe this person will walk past the second or third floor landings of the stairwell, where you have taped these signs, at some point in the near future.
5) You do not believe this person lives on or exclusively visits the first floor.
6) You believe the person who stole your laptop will return it after reading one or two of these signs, as he (from here on out I'm assuming it's a guy, otherwise the syntax will get too warped and confusing) does not want "problems" or "a serious problem."
7) You believe that in the unlikely event that the laptop thief does not return your laptop to you, you will be well within your rights to give him "problems" or "a serious problem," as you gave him fair warning.
Did I get that right? I think I did, but please, let me know if I missed anything. I'll be glad to issue a correction or addendum to this piece if necessary.
Now that we have the facts of the case, let's address them point by point to see where you may or may not have been mistaken.
1) I believe you when you write that you did, in fact, once own a laptop. I have nothing to dispute here.
2) You clearly no longer know where this laptop is. Once again, I believe you.
3) You think that somebody else has it. This is a fairly reasonable assumption. Just the other day, you had a laptop. Now? Gone. However, you obviously do not know who took it. If you did, you would have used a more direct line of communication to reach this person, wouldn't you? You're a reasonable person, aren't you? If you did know who took your laptop, surely you could have stopped by their apartment, placed a phone call, or sent an email. But you didn't do that. You taped two anonymous, threatening notes to the wall at what seem like random intervals throughout your apartment building.
Please, don't take this as an insult to your intelligence, but is it possible you misplaced your laptop? Did you look under your bed? Sometimes I do something weird like put my remote control in the refrigerator, or my orange juice in the cabinets. Have you checked your refrigerator or your cabinets? Have you gone on any business trips lately? Perhaps you left your laptop on a bus or at the airport. Before you put up any more accusatory notes, I would recommend retracing your steps and giving your apartment a thorough once-over. At the very least, you can straighten up your place as you go. Even if you don't find the computer, there's no cure for the blues like a freshly cleaned apartment. You'll feel like you're in more control of your life.
4) Let's say you're right. Your computer was stolen. This seems like the most likely scenario. But if that's the case, why do you assume that the thief is coming back? Whenever I pull off a huge heist, I like to flee the scene of the crime and never return. It doesn't seem logical that a laptop thief would come strutting back into the building as if nothing happened. Even if he would, how would you know this was going to happen without knowing who it was? This makes no sense to me. Is there construction going on in your building? Are you assuming it's one of the workers? Did you see a Mexican and think it was a vagrant who loiters in your stairwell? That's racist, you know. That Mexican probably owns the place and looks down on you, his lowly tenant. I'm just not at all confident that the thief will ever see these notes, and then you'll have wasted all your time and energy writing them. And for what?
Even if you did know that this person was coming back, how do you know that that he will make it up to the second or third floor? Which leads to the next point...
5) You believe that this person does not live on or exclusively visit the first floor. If that were the case, you would not have placed these notes on the second and third floors exclusively. Based on how you chose to go about shaming/threatening this person, I find it difficult to believe that you know how he moves throughout the building. How do you know he will go up to the third floor without knowing who it is? Even if you're reasonably sure that this person has friends on the third floor, why not put a note on the first floor also, just to be safe? Do you know for a fact that this person uses the stairs to access the second or third floors, but not the first, fourth, fifth, or sixth floors? Does this person only use the fire escape to access your building? Is it Batman? It's Batman, isn't it. Does he smell good? I bet that rubber suit stinks something awful after he's been running around in it all day. Was Robin with him? Did he use the baterang to get in the window? Did he leave the baterang behind, or did it recoil into his belt like an automatic tape measure?
Anyway, I think you should put one large sign in the first floor hallway, if you're really serious about going this route. That way everyone who walks into or out of your apartment building sees it and knows they're in for "problems" or "a serious problem" if they do not return your laptop.
6) You believe the person who took your laptop will return it to you after reading your sign. They do not want "problems" or "a serious problem," so they will knock on your door and hand it to you. Or perhaps they'll leave it at your door, knock, and run away. Is that how it goes in your fantasy?
Or maybe you believe that some measure of vengeance will have been taken by scaring this person into believing they will have "problems" or "a serious problem" if they do not give you back your laptop/son. Are you a Mel Gibson fan? Anyway, I know it must have felt good to vent some of the anger you experienced during this situation, but once again, I must disagree with your reasoning. I believe that if the person who stole your laptop sees these signs, he will feel even more pleasure by knowing that you are reduced to advertising your helplessness for the whole building to see (except those who live on or exclusively visit the first floor). After all, thieves are, in general, not nice people. The thief in question will most likely take pleasure in your public display of misery and powerlessness. He is not afraid of you, or he would not have stolen your laptop in the first place. Your threats of giving him "problems" or "a serious problem" will most likely fall on deaf (though incredibly informed via the internet) ears. Even if you could give him "problems" or "a serious problem" your target most likely already comes from a broken home, or perhaps even has a criminal record. He may not even be able to vote! He's already got problems. In addition, he is most likely familiar with hand-to-hand combat. Which begs the question, are you physically fit? Do you own any weapons? I'm starting to wonder whether you have the ability to give the thief these "problems" or "a serious problem" that you threaten.
7) You believe you have given the thief fair warning, and that if he doesn't return your laptop, he has no right to complain once you give him "problems" or "a serious problem." I agree with you. If you ever find this guy, you should definitely give him one of those "problems" of variable severity. I wouldn't fault you for your actions.
But here's the thing, Guy Who Wrote These Notes -- you're not going to find this person, not with this approach. All you're going to do is open yourself up for public ridicule, and that's the last thing I want to see happen.
Please, take the notes down. The only "problems" or "serious problem" you are causing is for your porter, who has to clean that stuff up. He doesn't know what to do with your signs. Does he keep them up? Does he take them down? After all, he works for you, in a sense. Does he irritate one of his "bosses" by taking his signs down? No doubt his other "bosses" in the building don't want them up and would be happy to see them removed. He's probably going to wind up pissed at you for causing more work him, and might even borrow the super's keys to break into your apartment and steal your iPhone. Then what will you do? Put up more signs?
I suggest buying another computer and stoically swallowing yet another chunk of your rapidly decaying pride/dignity. It's what being a man is all about.
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